And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up! I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany? In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again. Obviously this is not gonna be a normal night of theater!
This will be Shakespeare with a strap on!
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People like to great New Yorkers: "Have a nice day, asshole! Enjoy your day! I know many of you have been looking for Sarah Palin's book; it is a bitch to find. Good luck. I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction in the fantasy aisle. The problem is that they are not together. The Canadians won the gold medal in hockey. God bless you Canadian people. You're so fucking nice eh. It's your only fucking sport, come on! That and a mutant form of football. Canada's like a loft apartment over a really great party.
Keep it down, eh! I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins? Male cats have an amazing thing, kinda walk around going: "That's mine! Mine now! The main thing - the main thing about the kid - the midget, as we call him, the special one - he gives me a great sense. I feel good about him, because I always have this dream - I have this dream..
I also have this other dream where it's my son going.. There's a syndrome called "restless leg syndrome". What the fuck is that, a tendency to break out into Riverdance? Before the lethal injection, they do an alcohol swab. Which is so nice! What the fuck are you doing? We don't want you to get that last second infection! There's no toilet? My God. I know there's a cure for bio terrorism or whatever it is.
And it lies within Keith Richards, I know that. He is the only man on the planet who can go: "Anthrax? All right Everybody's worried about people playing baseball on steroids. Here's one quick way you tell: on steroids, your balls shrink and your head grows. So if someone steps up to the plate with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, you're out! When a woman has to go to the gynaecologist, you don't want a doctor who has a hobby.
You don't want a gynaecologist who's also a magician. You don't want: "How are we today? Uh, a dove! How can you tell if Congress was sick? It's night of the living dead anyway. All those old senators going: "The confederate flag is just the symbol of states' rights. No, being a father, you feel incredible. It's outrageous. The best thing for me is, well.. It's something very special. I know he's only ten months old, but that's enough!
Because I have this incredible fear, I have this fear that, during the night, a midget came in and took his place. So while my wife's breastfeeding, there's this midget going, "Hey, nice tomatoes! How are ya'!
This is the ascent of Man. You stand here. Canadian money is also called "the Looney". How can you take an economic crisis seriously? They said that marijuana was a "performance-enhancing drug". Marijuana enhances many things, colors, tastes, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet.
The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. They say there's no global warming. But right now the North Pole is a pool. It is beyond global warming.
At this point it's cooking. I can't even get a condom on when I want to! Yeah, I got a love glove. Hold on. We didn't make the deadline. Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift. If you're basically having Frosted Flakes, and you're older than ten years old and it's after ten o'clock in the morning I'm gonna guess: weed may be involved. People go "now, Robin, how do I know if I'm an alcoholic?
Jokes and Stories: Just Plain Funny
Number one, after a night of heavy drinking, you wake up fully clothed going "Hey! Somebody shit in my pants! Number two, you have a couple of cocktails, you find yourself on the freeway going, "What are these fuckers doing going the wrong way? Number three, you get drunk, you go out for Indian food, you wake up in Bombay with a camel licking your balls. Ta da! You are an alcoholic! It's like being a paraplegic lap dancer.
You can do it, just not as well as the others, really. You don't need cocaine! There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running! Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish. I've seen him going to a drug dealer who said: "I'm out, man! Every so often, Rumsfeld comes out and goes, "I don't know where.
I don't know when. But something awful's going to happen. Thank you, that's all for today, no further questions. What is it, the Central "Intuitive" Agency now? The drug they gave me for the surgery was a drug called Propofol. Which, it's nickname is milk of amnesia.
A joke book with bears and bars
Fucking insane drug. I had that in a surgical situation. Michael Jackson was taking Propofol at home to sleep. Fuck off. A doctor said taking Propofol to sleep is like doing chemotherapy because you're tired of shaving your fucking head. The definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. And we elected him the second time, the whole world went "What the fuck is going on with you people?
The definition of pornography is quite simple. Erotic is using a feather, pornography is using the entire chicken. If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go "What happens if you take two?
List of fictional bears
When they named a hurricane "Hurricane Ike", I went "finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack-smoking, wife-beating motherfucker. Some things you may want to stay away from while drinking heavily. Ebay, not a good idea. Ebay and alcoholism, perfect storm of addiction.
You'll find yourself up to your ass in George Foreman grills and Sham Wows. You LIAR! I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick. We may all be dead and gone, Keith Richards will still be there with five cockroaches. He'll be going, "I smoked your uncle, did you know that?
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio. A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit. Now the airport security is tight. You go through the metal detector and if you are heavily pierced, like some of my friends: "Take out your keys, sir. I'm sure that was his last wish. I'm sure Albert said, "Victoria, I'm dying.
I want you to name a museum, a performance hall and a bolt through the cock after me. Go, my darling. I've been watching a little bit of porn since I've been on the road. It's interesting when you see a girl with a bolt through her tongue. Why did you do that? To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathon. We're dealing with fundamentalists And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that. It doesn't scare me that George W. Bush waved at Stevie Wonder. That's OK. Stevie's only been blind since birth! And there's W.
Does he think I'm looking for him? They say the platypus was an animal designed by committee. Was the human body designed by committee? Was there a group of guys who designed it? Was a guy going "Tom, do you have those designs for the human reproductive system?
Let's show you what we came up with. Normally, with the mammal penis, we have the retractable. We decided to do something different from the mammal We call it the collapsible. I had my back waxed once by two women When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? We're now under the offices of Homeland Security.
Tom Ridge ever so often goes: "Today is a blue day. They had to be very careful picking that name: "Homeland Security". They couldn't say Fatherland because a lot of the old Germans are going: "That's a good one! As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them.
You will do shit that even the Devil would go "dude And it's not bad enough that they make porn movies, they make porn movies of MY movies. They made "Good Will Humping. That was scary. A clown with a strap-on. Fuck off! You know, "Popeye", I would watch. George W Bush almost died from a fucking pretzel. We have billions of dollars in national defense.
They want billions more for national security. And he almost fucking goes down from snack food! Secret Service is going: "Game over, man! Gilligan's down. They were licking him for the salt. I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though. They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called homebasing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going "I'm outta here, prick!
Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? My God, what am I doing here? It's weird. How do you get to the Met? Lots and lots of money! I can imagine Pavarotti next door at the improv going "Two Jews walk into a bar What kind of food did we drop on Afghanistan? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter Why are we dropping this food on Afghanistan? Tastes a hell of a lot better than dirt, number one.
Number two, difficult to have a call to jihad with a mouth full of peanut butter. Thirdly, Afghanistan is a hashish-smoking culture, and anyone who's ever been a friend of the hookah will go, intense, stoned stare "Pop-Tarts! After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.
When is your door not actually a door? Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off. Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months. Everything will work out. Photo: NBC. Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side. What did the horse say after it tripped? Photo: Paramount. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey. How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment? Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory! Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved! Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?